The Cat Herd

You've all heard the expression about things being as easy as herding cats, but this is a bit different.

I have known and loved a number of Welsh Border Collies in my life and seeing these dogs work is such a pleasure; let's not forget Corgis, who really are herding dogs, though the only thing they seem to be associated with now is Brenda. I have a cat with herding instincts.

"Cats don't herd!" I hear you wail; oh yes they do! Bertie, the more outgoing and adventurous of the new cats, has started to herd Kim. It normally kicks off at 8.30 British Summer Time, when Bertie is keen to break his fast, but since the clocks going back, and Bertie not having a wristwatch, it now begins at 7.30 GMT.

First, you hear the thundrous galloping of paws up and down the stairs, followed by claws dug into carpet to assist with cornering, then a scrabble, and a loud:

"Oughff!"

More scrabbling and claws in carpet, a pause, galloping down the sairs and then back up again. That was the first run, where Bertie races into the bedroom, corners rather niftily and leaps on the headboad to aim all four hard-padded paws on Kim's belly. It's an effective wake-up call being bounced on from quite a height by five kilos of determined cat.

After a few more runs up and down the stairs, and assuming Bertie's efforts haven't yet achieved their aim, his next tactic is to run into the bedroom at full tilt, bounce on the bedside table and then run the length of Kim's body, bounce off again and canter downstairs. He's clearly trying to let Kim know that it's time to GO DOWN STAIRS, but soporific morning men and herding cats don't always see eye-to-eye.

By now, Bertie has usually managed to wake Kim enough and to stomp on his bladder, so the poor man totters off to the bathroom with a hugely vocal cat swirling around his ankles. Bertie sits outside the bathroom door sounding more like a wolf at full moon than the average domestic cat. He is a feline with a long, lean body and a rather barritone voice for his size. The exit from the bathroom is the funniest:

Kim walks to landing, Bertie alongside.

Bertie runs down the first flight of stairs to demonstrate to Kim what he's required to do.

Bertie runs upstairs again, circles Kim's legs and canters off down the stairs again.

Kim takes a few steps towards the bedroom. Bertie howls an objection and shows him the way again.

Kim keeps walking to the bedroom; Bertie gets annoyed.

At this point, Bertie starts any tactic he thinks will work, including the feline Wall-Of-Death, toe attacks, vocal nudges and downright pleas.

By this time, we have normally disolved into gales of laughter, which isn't a bad way to start the day. The morning always ends the same, with Kim heading down, the clunk of the cat food cupboard door opening and then the katzenjammer of both Boots and Bertie urging him to hurry the bowls to the floor.

Me? I rather like Bertie's antics, as Kim inevitably makes a cup of tea and brings it up for me in the morning. What a wonderfully clever little cat Bertie is.