Grrr, Frustration!

Finally, weeks after my last hospital appointment where I was told I was being referred to another consultant, I got my appointment through. It's not until December.

I had been busily visualising the receipt of the letter and thinking that like previous appointments, it would be within a few days of the letter, so when I read the date, my heart sank. I felt so cross with myself - I don't know how many times I have done really successful visualisations only to realise that I missed an important detail - this time, the waiting time. Oh goodness, it means I'm probably going to have to wait until spring, or later, to get my hip fixed and that's just so depressing and frustrating.

After a simple trip out to buy some curtain rings and do a few other chores, I had totally seized up. At the moment I can't even bend over to pick things up from the floor and I'm getting so cross that every little action I want to take is starting to feel like a major assault course. Worst of all, I feel like such an old moaner and poor Kim is being such a hero and trying to do everything so that I don't have to, but that just makes me feel even more useless. And here I am moaning again. Sigh.

On a happier note, I am madly impressed and happy with my new car. It is easy to get into, which is just amazing as my other cars hurt so much that I really had to think about whether I wanted to go out, but it's also just so nice to drive. This morning, we had loud cracks of thunder, lightning and hail and the lanes turned into rivers, as they often do in this part of the world. What a treat to be bowling along in such a sure-footed vehicle when I was on mud, gravel and in deep puddles - which was the original reason for selecting it. Best of all, the seats are so comfortable that I can drive around for ages and not hurt.

It's probably silly, but I have often given my cars names and the Freelander is now known as Mr Bob. Thank goodness for Mr Bob as when I get really gloomy, I go out for a drive! There's a groovy gadget that gives me the range, i.e., how far I can go with the fuel I have in my tank, depending on the way I drive the car. It's a real encouragement to drive sensibly as the more gentle I am on the accelerator, the more my range increases. As I set off from one place, my range was 390 miles, but by driving carefully I increased it to 425 miles after driving five miles. How odd, I never thought Land Rover would be such an encouragement to drive economically, but they have really made it a fun thing to do!

Tidy Sunday

Today has been a great day for getting all those little odds and ends finished. I have been delaying a piece of work for one of my clients, as it was slow and just... unappealing. Today I got it finished off and now I'm feeling really good.

On top of that, Kim decided to do his half of the washing out the kitchen cupboards job today - I did all the top cupboards as I can still just about get on to a chair to reach the upper shelves - the cupboards are rather high and I can barely get my hand up to the bottom of the top shelf! Kneeling down, however, is painful, so we shared the cupboard cleaning job to suit what I can do. It's a great feeling when you have a good clear out - as we found two things to put on Freecycle that we don't use any more, a coffee making machine and a food steamer.

Now, all I have left to sort out is the heap of papers on my desk - though thinking about that is enough to make me feel faint! I might save that for tomorrow evening as I feel as though my body is trying to start a cold - going out in the pouring rain this morning didn't help - must remember to wear a waterproof. Truth is, I hate waterproof clothing - it always seems to make me feel sticky and overly swaddled. Our skin is waterproof, and most times I get away with it, but I think I need to reach for the echinacea and a nice honey and lemon drink to make sure this week doesn't end up in snuffles. We have a friend coming to stay from Wednesday to Saturday and I'm really looking forward to it - she's great company and very relaxing to be with, so I think we shall both end up very chilled and laughing a lot.

Ah well, one last chore to do for today, off to feed some cats, and then I get home to a dinner that Kim's cooking (smells delicious already) I can curl up with him for a cosy evening. Hmmm, life is good.

Six Things About Me

I have been tagged by Beweaver. The guidelines are:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

This is harder than I thought it would be - what on earth to say? Oh well, here goes:

1) I love the English language. It is a fascinating melange of different influences from all over the world, probably because we are a nation that is superb at assimilating other cultures (maybe we should be called The Borg rather than the British). We have so many words to describe one thing that it gives us the subtlety and nuance that just doesn't exist in other tongues. I try to do justice to this wonderful language, though I know there are times I fail.

2) Before I left school I didn't really have much idea of what I wanted to do. Careers advice failed me as I didn't fit into the mould of wife, nurse, teacher or secretary and the Mistress blenched when I said that either being a rock drummer, a long distance lorry driver or a Madame sounded much more interesting. I didn't become any of those things; a singular lack of musical talent, the inability to pass my driving test for years and no inclination to learn the business from the ground up prevented me!

3) Because I have travelled a lot (I left England at 7 weeks old!) I can speak a bit of many languages including Finnish, Swahili, Arabic and Portuguese.

4) I am a vagrant at heart and love to travel; my life has been motivated by wanderlust and I have seen amazing places like the Angel Falls, Victoria Falls and up-country Botswana.

5) I did a bungee jump at a big biker convention. I did it for charity, but drew the line at bungeeing naked despite large cash inducements.

6) I like ducks. A neighbour has ducks and I often hear them quacking at each other, sometimes sounding like they're having a squabble. There's something soothing about the sound of ducks - I want my own small badling of ducks - that would be so great.

And now to tag some others. I enjoy reading:

Somerset Seasons
Wooly Shepherds Diary
Bee-Leaf
Meanderings Along Ancestral Pagan Paths
Hecate
The Pigslip

You are all tagged!

Emotional Freedom Technique - Does It work?

Today has been remarkable. Kim and I have been married exactly one month and it is the best thing I have ever done. We're both really happy and although I knew it would feel different, I didn't think for one moment that it would be as good as this. That was the first good bit of the day.

It kept on getting better. Kim made me a mug of strong, steaming tea to start the morning off with and then we dashed off to Yeovil to collect my new car. I was like an impatient child as Mr Bob, our friendly Land Rover dealer explained everything and showed me all the buttons and features in the car. It was parked in the main showroom, bright, shiny and irresistible. I don't think I shall ever grow out of being a petrol-head, though these days I shall have to call myself a diesel-head! Finally, Mr Bob opened the showroom doors and I pressed the start button and manoeuvred the new wheels out on to the tarmac. Oh, what a delight! Even with a very sore hip, the seats embraced me and I chuckled all the way home.

There wasn't any time to admire my new toy, as I had an appointment for an Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) session, so had to lock the doors and jump into Kim's car, as he had offered to drive me there and back, not knowing how the treatment would affect me. I had decided to book the treatment after talking to my Chiropractor; after treatments by the chiropractor, I would always feel very emotional and she asked whether the problems with my hip might have some basis in an emotional problem.

Two days before I had visited the Chiropractor and had the conversation about emotional issues, I had decided that it was time to deal with some things from the past that were long overdue. I think that because I feel so loved and cherished, I'm ready to sweep away the horrible things of the past that have been stuffed into a dark corner cupboard. I won't bore you with the details, and it's not an edifying story, but suffice to say that I had a close encounter with an active republican Irish man, who lived by mental, emotional and sometimes physical violence. The experience left me first terrified and then, as a way of dealing with the fear, angry. I used anger to get out of the situation and to try to re-assemble a life that he has systematically tried to take apart. With the need to try to keep a roof over my head, food on the table and all the daily things that happen, I buried the fear and anger so that I could get on with the important business of survival.

I think this is what has been eating away at my joints and bones. This man tried to take my life away from me, not only in the obvious way, but also by alienating anyone who was close to me, and I realised that I have been saying "I want my life back!" lately. I believe that I allowed him to successfully steal a part of my life and it has taken me this long to get to the point of wanting to reclaim it. Thanks must to go many people; Kim has been a tower of strength, though I'm sure he's not aware of it; my son too has played his part and the wonderful relationship we have has given me the confidence to look inside; thanks too must go to Seshat, as she lit a path for me in dealing with her own issues. So, I thought I'd give EFT a go, as the thought of long hours on a counsellors chair filled me with horror.

What an amazing treatment it is. I have to admit to being rather sceptical before I arrived. EFT works on the energy meridians and is a combination of tapping meridian points and repeating, almost mantra-like, certain things (peculiar to one's situation). I have only ever been able to talk about my time in Ireland to one person, and then only to explain an extreme terror reaction, up until now. Until now, whenever I allowed myself to think about it, I would cry and feel sick with fright. This happened over eight years ago. Now, tonight, after an hour and a half of tapping and repeating, I have been able to sit here, dry-eyed and calm to write about something that no longer frightens me.

I don't know if this feeling of being back in control will last, or how I will feel tomorrow, but for the moment, I am in awe of the technique. To be able to write, and even be calm about the events, is something I had never anticipated. My energy was so light as I came out of the treatment that I literally felt as if a weight had been lifted from me. By 4.30 p.m. I was wiped out and curled up under the duvet to loose two hours in a deep and restful sleep. And I'm sitting here - able to think about that dark time - with nothing more than a wry smile that it took me this long to find a way of dealing with it.

Kim has been wonderful and heated up the remains of the Bambi pie for supper, looked after me and goodness, everything feels all right. Monday 20th October has been an amazing day; I have my new car, I have a wonderful husband and I got my life back. I am so lucky, blessed and free - now that thought is making me well up!

Home, Primrose and Venison Pie

Oh, what a wonderful evening and what a superb, wonderful recipe. I have been watching What To Eat now, by Valentine Warner and have been quite enchanted with the programme. I suppose his style of cooking hearty food rather reflects how I like to do things in the kitchen, but I'm really impressed with some of the interesting twists he gives to dishes.

After watching last week's programme in a soulless hotel room in London, I ordered his book and looked forward to getting home (just for the sake of getting home) and to seeing what was in it. It didn't disappoint. He writes as he presents, with wit and warmth, so yesterday was spent poring over thick pages filled with enticing pictures of autumnal fare. As our local butcher is particularly good with game, I tried my hand at the venison pie, and stocked up on dark, thick ale, soft, dark sugar and some gingernut biscuits.

Poor old Tom, he was getting quite crazed at the smells floating around the kitchen today as I cooked off the base and opened the packet of venison - seconds after snipping the bag, up went the nose and the locational twitching began. As we had left the poor old cat on his own (well, nearly, more about that later), I cut off a small chunk of raw venison and found that it was very magnetic! After that, Tom retired to his sofa, in front of the rayburn, where the aroma of cooking Bambi wafted down over his head while he dreamed of being a lion.



Tom hadn't quite been on his own during the week we were away. Our kitchen has been a miserable and outdated place and I decided that I couldn't put up with it any more. I arranged for Harry, our trusty builder/decorator to come in while we were in London to strip the 1970s poppy wallpaper and paint the walls a fresh "wild primrose" colour. I had to select the paint online as I wasn't mobile enough to sneak off without Kim, and the fresh, new kitchen was a surprise for him. Harry did us proud and got the job done, everything back in it's place and cleared up without giving the game away. I, on the other hand, nearly told Kim several times as I was so excited... but managed to bite my tongue each time.

We got home at just before nine on Friday night, bearing fish and chips as we were both really tired and hungry. I opened the kitchen door for Kim and let him walk in before me. He looked up, looked down, looked very confused and said, "Something's wrong". Then he spotted that his chair was in the wrong place and started wondering why it had moved. "No, it's not just that, there's something else..." Eventually, he worked out that the faded old poppies were gone and the walls were bright and freshly painted. It took a while to sink in, as he was suffering from a head cold as well as being worn out from a long week. It was hilarious.

So, I have a fresh kitchen, Kim is delighted that it's looking brighter and much bigger than before and the cat had company while we were away. Not a bad result. Even better was to sit down to an aromatic venison pie, fresh local vegetables and a heap of creamy mashed potatoes, while the rayburn warmed our backs and the cat valiantly helped munch through the pie filling. Life is good and Valentine is an inspiration.

TGessIF!

It’s Friday lunchtime, I’m in the large, well-lit classroom of a plush central London building surrounded by the quiet discussion of students working on a project. Me? I’m wondering how on earth I shall stay awake until the end of the day. I’m not teaching this class, which keeps the brain and body engaged; instead I am auditing another Instructor and making notes for him to improve the course. Now, this might be considered interesting work and it would be if the Instructor, who happens to be the author of the course, had any substantial deficiencies, but he doesn’t. It is a privilege to work with such a knowledgeable person, but it makes for a mind and bum-numbing audit.

Interestingly, the time I have spent in here has given me a huge insight into the art of authoring courses and I’m rather tempted to try my hand at it. There is a topic I think would fit well into the curriculum and I have a particular area of expertise that would give me an advantage. The art now will be to persuade the Product Development Manager that she wants to run the course as part of the curriculum. Having spent this week in a classroom listening to how to present powerful and persuasive proposals, I should have the toolkit to achieve this successfully.

There is only one question that remains; do I really want to spend more time in London, which is where the course would run most of the time, than I already do? There’s a strong argument that it would be better to focus on local, though less lucrative, business, but if I am to be able to buy my farm, set up my Wicca centre and do the things I want, I know I shall have to earn at London rates for a while yet. There, it wasn’t that difficult to answer the question, was it Sarah?

So, rather than writing more paragraphs of this blog, I shall make a start on outlining the proposal. Here’s to new opportunities and income streams towards my objectives (I’d call them dreams, but they will happen, so they have to be objectives, as dreams only ever happen in one’s head).

Not Long Till I'm Home

Kim and I drove up to London on Monday and we're due to return home on Friday after classes finish at about 4.30 p.m. It has felt like a very long week and for the first time that I can remember, I have felt homesick.

I went into boarding school at age nine and though I can't honestly recall how I felt, I don't remember feeling pangs of homesickness and it's certainly not an emotion I have experienced since my teens, and the ability to remember how I felt at will. It's such a very odd feeling. I suppose that I had never really put down roots before, and though I lived in north Cambridgeshire for over 17 years, it never felt like home at any time. A childhood of moving from place to place gave me the heart of a vagrant and immense wanderlust. We would live in a country for a few years and then just pick up sticks and move to a completely different part of the world, so I would start a new school, make new friends and start over again - that became my normality.

It is only since moving to Somerset in 2003 that I have felt that I have found my home. It's quite inexplicable, as I have no connections to Somerset that I know of, apart from some distant great aunt marrying a Somerset man, and that hardly counts! For about eight years before I moved to this county, I visited several times a year, as often as I could afford and whenever my time and commitments allowed. I would drive south west and as I crossed the border into Somerset on the M5, would feel the stress and tension ooze out of my body and mind. The return journey to north Cambridgeshire was less pleasurable, with the scenery becoming greyer and increasingly depressing as each mile passed. Eventually, the opportunity arose and I seized it with both hands and moved, lock, stock and barrel - and it was the best thing I have ever done.

Sadly though, now that I have finally put down roots, fallen in love with this lush, gentle county, I rue each day that I am away from it. And now I have started to experience homesickness - not great, I can tell you!

Whenever I think of Somerset, my little corner of south Somerset, where the fields are lush green and the hills gently rolling, there's a softness about the countryside, and even the people, that makes me feel that if I jumped from an aeroplane, I would just gently bounce, rather than end up in a nasty, marmalised mess on the ground. It's a silly thing, but it is the best expression of how wonderfully generous and fecund this part of the world is... This lovely part of the world that I'm not in at the moment. Still, I shall be home late on Friday and that thought fills me with joy.

Hippy, hippy Shake... Not!

I had my hospital appointment today to follow up on the MRI scan that I had back in the summer. On arrival, the Consultant was as rude and stroppy as ever, launching into a barrage of questions about my leg (not back or hip) but eventually listened to what I was saying and he promptly sent me off to have my hip xrayed.

I was back in his office in a very short time and his manner had changed totally - he was polite and considerate. It seems that my good hip is pretty arthritic and there's very little gap between the head of the femur and the socket, but on my 'bad' side there just isn't a gap. We sat looking at the xray on his pc and it looked like the head of the femur was just mashed into the socket. It certainly wasn't round any more, though he pointed that out, as I didn't know what I was looking for.

I'm now going to be referred to a colleague to get my hip sorted out - I imagine I shall have to have a hip replacement operation as it's a bit of a mess, and then I have options to go back to see Mr Stroppy if the stenosis he was interested in is giving me trouble.

At the moment I can't stop crying. I feel very emotional and I know it's a combination of relief that they have finally worked out what was wrong, relief that I don't have to have a back operation and some trepidation about a hip operation. More than anything it's a sense of relief that I've not been a raging old hypochondriac and that there's a chance I shall be able to walk 100 yards without grimacing in pain and feeling like I want to give up and take too many tablets.

It's now just case of being patient (no pun intended) and hoping that I get to see the other consultant soon - I can't say I'm looking forward to living with this much longer and it's getting worse by the week. Even with the help of the Novasonic there are times when getting up and down the stairs feels like mountaineering.

The really good news is that, if they sort out this dodgy hip, I shall be able to go dancing again. There I go, dancing before I can walk! The thought of being able to do things normally - simple stuff like climbing the stairs with a cup of tea and not having to keep moving it up a few steps at a time because I need both hands on the bannisters to get up and down - will be a major delight. Oh, I hope it happens soon.

A Balmy Autumn Day

Today has been wonderful, but then it is a Monday. The day started with the laughter of children under my bedroom window, chirpy little voices bright in the white morning haze as they went to school. We can see the school from our upstairs French windows and the children always sound so happy and full of energy.

The day has been a mellow and gentle day; the weather kind enough to allow our old cat to sit out for a while before the damp set off his rheumatism and he staggered back to the warmth of the rayburn. Even the rayburn is running well, without the insane heat fluctuations that we can cause at the beginning of a season because we're out of practice at running it. Today, it behaved perfectly, but then I did clean it out the other day, up to my shoulder in dust and ashes. If I ever want to change my name, I shall pick Cinderella as my new one!

We have decided to get the roof of the garage fixed, as the mastic seals between the large concrete slabs have started to leak. Had we owned a garage door, it would have the makings of an excellent swimming pool, the way it is now. So, earlier, we had someone around to clean the top, so it's all bright and sparkly, and our trusty roofer comes around on Friday to fix the leaks. I have to say that I'm being a bit calculating and selfish in mending the garage now.

On the 20th, I take delivery of my new car and I want somewhere nice and dry to keep it. Until now, I have always let Kim have the garage for his car - it's not old but there's a bit of a design fault and it only needs to get slightly damp before the infernal thing won't start. But now, I think I shall grab the garage back and leave him and his design fault to the elements! This is what I chose in the end:



An izmir blue Freelander 2 - it has cream leather inside and is just a treat to drive. Oddly, it's almost the same colour as my old BMW - and I had fully intended to go for something a bit different. The main thing was to get a car that could cope with the mud deluges we get in the village when it rains heavily, as well as the deep puddles that used to come above the bottom of my MR2's doors! This was not meant to turn into another jabber about cars, I'm just excited.

The day has been satisfying in so many ways. I got the chance to talk to a friend in Texas who I don't hear from all that often, and she's such a delightful person that talking to her would have lit up my day without any of the other good things. Then something really excellent happened with work, and it looks like a whole new area is opening up for me, so that lit up my day. Even smelly old Mr Cat didn't do anything nasty. Just to cap it all off, friends sent us their pictures of the Handfasting and they're really great, so that was another reason to smile.

Thank you Goddess for such an amazing day, thank you for being surrounded by such lovely people, thank you that I can make the magic of my life weave such gentle happiness.

Novasonic - Pretty Supersonic!

I can't remember if I mentioned that I have a new McTimoney Chiropractor, but travelling to the other side of the country got a bit much. My lovely old Chiropractor found someone she trained with and could recommend highly, who operates out of Sturminster Newton, and I decided to give her a go. Operating out of the Rolls Mill Complimentary Centre, Tracy turned out to be every bit as good as Sue (which was a delightful surprise), and she had an added extra.

The first time I went there, I was as stiff as a board with muscle spasm and she applied an intrasonic machine to the muscles. I didn't think much of it at the time, but the evening of my treatment, I could not only touch my toes, I could get the palms of my hands flat on the floor, and it's been a while since I could do that! Wow.

On returning for my most recent treatment, I asked her what the machine was and it's a Novasonic, so I decided that I would be a lot more mobile if I had one at home. Happily, Boots are doing special offer on the machines, so I ordered one.

I have had my Novasonic for four days now. I used it regularly, three times a day for the first two days and was less stiff and sore than I had been. Yesterday, I was complacent, distracted and forgot to use it. Boy, did I notice a difference! By the end of the day I was back to struggling up the stairs, hurting when I sat or stood and generally feeling pants. Last night was also the first night since getting the Novasonic that I was woken up with back and hip pain. Today, I have resumed regular use of it - I won't make that mistake again, for sure!

I'm not generally prone to advertising products, but I have to say that this little machine is an absolute gem. It's a gradual improvement, but it really has made a difference to the way I move. So, here's a blessing on Tracy, who introduced it to me and three cheers for whoever invented it!