Trembling
Every morning this week I have to travel the small, winding lane that I wrote of on Monday. Yesterday, it was devoid of anything more spectacular than blackbirds and hedgerows burgeoning with campion, late bluebells and hogweed. This morning, the rabbits were skittering across the lane and a pheasant decided that it would stand it's ground and try to stop me driving up the lane. The creatures in this tiny part of Somerset seem to have no fear of humans and a stubborn determination to be masters of the road!
A balmy hour spent outdoors, with Millie the cat bumping my elbow for strokes as I looked out over the valley and watched insect life thrumming around the flowers and herbs just deepened the connection I have been feeling all week with the God and with the pulsing energy that is in the earth at the moment. There is always a week in the Spring when the roadsides and hedgerows turn from their winter drabness and undress to vigorous growth, greening and flower and the power of this is palpable. This is the week. To open up to this energy is like taking a line of coke, dancing to one's favourite music, singing with total abandon, breathing like you nearly drowned and feeling everything with such intensity it makes one gasp.
It was a weird experience; not new, but stronger and more intense than I have had before and it left me weeping; it was rather like petite mort. Not a good state when behind the wheel of the MR2. Finally, I found somewhere to stop and mopped my eyes, took some deep breaths and composed myself. This is a difficult and yet welcome experience. It reminds me of the energy and power within myself, of the rawness of some drives and urges, yet it also highlights the constraints under which I live. Most of all, and here's the funny bit - it makes me feel beautiful. I become whole, a creature of nature and without all the cerebral platitudes that hold me back, to be so in tune and without thought for the 'stuff' that fills our heads every day - that's beauty and purity. Now, if I can only find a way to hold on to that...
posted by The Shepton Witch @ 12:56
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21 Comments:
A lovely post, my dear.
It's as well we can't hold on to that feeling; I think it might make us all incapable of living or being, we'd just sit and commune the whole time - !
Just recently I've felt flashes of that excitement, that connection. How amazing, and it's frightening, exhilarating, addictive too.
To feel like this is to simultaneously live fully and realise that death is there, a heartbeat away. What a valuable lesson.
Ah, that's the trouble! It feels so amazing that you want to hold on, knowing all the while that you can't. Hence the tears.
Still, it's good to know that I haven't lost it (or that 'it' hasn't lost me) even though I feel like I have been through the wringer!
I don't exactly agree that you cannot hold on to that moment. Once you have experienced it, it is a part of you, forever. All you need to do is to remember that moment and you are there again reliving the feelings and emotions and the power. In a way, it is like your own internal battery charger. When your battery is feeling drained from all the mundane tasks of daily life, you just need to sit in that memory and be refreshed by it. While I agree that as humans we are not built to handle living in such a state of continual ecstasy that does not mean that it isn’t there whenever we do need it.
Actually, you're right, Fox. I find the feeling gets buries under all the mundanity and I lose it, if only temporarily.
SW, your trials may have brought you back round to the connection; I wonder if the process of trouble and grieving can sometimes remove the mundane from us and give us a chance to feel like this again. Perhaps.
Errr, no. The best analogy I can give is childbirth. We know we have done it, we know it hurt and have a vague sort of memory of the pain, but it is not possible to tap into how it was after the event. Ok, another analogy; orgasm - it's great, it does all sorts of things to one, you can remember it fondly, but you can't re-live it, you can only re-experience it.
I know it is there, latent and waiting to surface, but I cannot reach into the cavern and touch it in the same way I can't reach back and touch the process of becoming a mother again. That's the best way I can describe it, though it's not terribly good. Perhaps it is the fleeting and un-capturable nature of the God, but the moment passes and all one can hope for is to be open to it again before long.
TGW, I have been trying to mend things and thought I was doing rather well, until this happened. I don't think I have been suffering or burdened by more trials than anyone else, least, it doesn't feel so, I thought it might just be the time of year.
You're so right, SW, this really is the week! I've been thinking that this week as well, as I've been driving around South Somerset! Suddenly, as if overnight, everything is in leaf or in flower and the energy is soaring, it's just amazing. It's a hackneyed saying, but it really is a case of the 'dance beginning again' and it's the Dance Of Life - and we're all part of it! Part Of The All! It's so exciting!
I'm glad you see it too Andy, I was beginning to wonder if I'd lost the plot. It's just stupendous, no?
I re-read your post - I misunderstood you. What I failed to appreciate was the depth of your feeling, and how much it meant. I haven't had the totality of the feeling you've had...
... maybe I need to give into the dance! I feel lie so much else that I don't want to give in and open up, because I will have to let go.
Why spare myself the pain if I can get the experience, even if only transitorily?
*confused*
It most surely is the week- the hedgerows- fields- trees are fairly fizzing with life & the energy almost touchable.
Ah, TGW, I didn't mean to shoot you down in flames, just that it was pretty intense and sort of like... well, you know. It's a dilemma as there's a part that says it's a whole lot safer not allowing it to happen and another part that says you're really missing out if you don't. Ultimately, it's a personal choice, but mine is made. Having experienced it once, I can't not want the intensity, the vibrancy of the earth flowing and the palpable growth and energy that feels as though it is streaming through me too.
Go on, try it, you might like it ;-)
Shamrockwitch, I saw your blog and will add a comment later (work to do first) and it put me in mind of Somerset this week - glad you are having a green, fizzy week too!
D'you know, I think it's time to take the 'Stag by the horns', as it were!
Report to follow!
LOLOLOL, love the expression! Maybe seeing the deer again this morning is a confirmation of that.
Aren't I lucky? Another sighting, only this time he jumped into the lane and cantered off in front of me. I had taken the camera but by the time I got the lens cap off, all I got was a snap of the windscreen wiper passing over the tiny dot of his retreating rump! Never mind, I shall try again.
This works for me as a sign. I'm going to meditate on the Path I need to take this evening.
I have had some similiar experiences in the last week or two. Very overwhelming at times.
What a lovely description, very visual.
I couldn't agree more,TSW. Those moments of pure soul bliss I definately want to hang onto too!Yes and it's just like an orgasm for the spirit. Isn't that called a petit mort too? I identify with the elation of childbirth (and very quickly forgetting the pain!)Also we fall in love with our newborn child, our most precious that we have nurtured inside ourselves for so long.
Ah, what a very incisive way of seeing it: "an orgasm for the spirit", yes, that's just about the best description yet! Yes, petite mort is a euphemism for the swoon, faint of similar reaction one has after orgasm and I do think the trembling was very similar. I had felt such pure joy, that anything was a come-down afterwards. Still, it's good to know that I have those moments occasionally!
P.S. If you are local, you are SO lucky! I discovered Sharon's Kitchen onion marmalade (purchased from Solva) and I'm a complete addict now. She doesn't seem to sell online, which is a shame as I can't get my hands on it in Somerset... still, it's a good excuse to go back very soon!
Me too! Haven't heard about Sharons kitchen marmalade but will keep an eye out for it. There is a lovely organic campsite at Caer Fai bay near to St. Davids. The food there is lush.But then again you can't beat Somerset cider for taste and refreshment!
There's a lovely little eatery in Solva that has boards outside advertising traditional Welsh fare and we went in there. Kim had a wonderful Welsh stew (can't remember the proper name for it) and I had a very yummy cream tea. It was here we found the onion marmalade, so if you're travelling down the coast, it's well worth stopping in. I googled Sharon's Kitchen and I think she goes to local markets - so it might be worth looking out for her. She's posting some marmalade to me, which is wonderful and I'm going to have a go at making some myself, though I shall be comparing my results to a very high standard.
We must visit these parts again soon - I had wanted to take Kim to Pentre Ifan; I went there the previous time I was in the area and it's amazing. I saw Chris's pictures on The PigsLip blog and it reminded me of what I had missed - but we have very limited time on our visit. I had wanted to see more of the Preselli Hills too - we drove over on the way back to Haverfordwest, but didn't have time to get out and have a wander around :-( Ah well, a good excuse to go back!
Must check out the eatery as food is one of my interests! And if you're ever in the area please give me a shout, PI is about 1hour from home. Just climbed the Carn Ingli mountain last on St. Valentines day and the church at Nevern is very interesting too, will blog about it soon I think
Ah, we drove past the turning for Nevern and I felt tempted to go there, so I shall be very interested to read all about it.
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