The Way We Carry Tension

It's an odd thing, thinking about he way we carry tension in our bodies, how we signal pain and discomfort and how we deal with it. When I was young, I never really thought about tension or pain. It's easy when one is young; there is no pain from aches and rheumatism, there is no wear on the body apart from the excesses we inflict upon it. Stress, too, is something that I never really thought about. I'm sure I did get stressed, but in my twenties I still felt invincible, in my thirties I was too busy managing the family to have time to think about it and in my forties, I took control of my life in a way that allowed me to dodge most of the stresses and strains of daily life. I did have stressful times, but there was always too much to do to have time to think about it.

Now, as I have stumbled into my fifties, I find that stress is something that is blighting my life in a way it never has before. It's not that I'm more stressed; in fact, I'm probably less stressed than I ever have been in some ways. I'm comfortable financially, which I wasn't for much of my life; my son has grown into a decent man and I have little to worry about with him; my partner is kind and thoughtful, yet I am a physical wreck. These days, I only have to think about something that makes me uncomfortable and all my muscles go into spasm, I can't walk and life feels pretty filthy. We're not talking big stresses and strains, on no! Even simple little things set off the muscle spasm > inability to walk > upset that I can't walk > more stress > more spasm > and so the vicious circle goes on.

I did used to manifest my stress through other physical means, but for some reason, it has all moved to my lower back and the spasms lock up my entire pelvis so I can't walk, or even sit comfortably. Trouble is, I don't know what made it move to that part of my body - well, I'm not sure, anyway. If Louise Hay is to be believed, and she seems right on so many things, it is because the foundation of my life doesn't feel right or secure.

Hips: Carry the body forward in perfect balance - major thrust in moving forward.

Back: Represents the support of life. Lower back: fear of money, lack of financial support. From You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

Hmmm, now, I just said that I was fairly comfortable, and I am. I want for little. The difference is that I am no longer in control of my life and money. Since becoming a couple and co-habiting for the first time since my marriage broke down, I am finding that adjusting to being part of a couple and not the totally autonomous, selfish creature that I was for so many years is pretty challenging. It's a rotten thing to admit, since my partner is just about the kindest, most generous man there is. He just phoned me to suggest that we help my son out with his car tax and MOT costs because of the high costs and poor apprenticeship wages my son is on. That's thoughtful and generous. So why am I struggling? Is it because I have to consult with him about spending our shared money? Is it because I can't get my head around the concept of shared money? Why don't I feel as secure and cherished as I know I ought?

This is such a knotty problem and one I'm struggling to find an answer to that feels like it covers all the issues. I do know that the past few weeks have brought up old fears and pain and undermined the security that I feel, but I have to face those issues to be able to move forward. It has been harder than I thought, but the locking up is not a phenomenon of the past fortnight, but an increasingly frequent challenge. I do wonder if it is because I have 'too much' time to think. All through the other times of my life, I have been far too rushed just trying to keep pace with the daily grind to think about stuff like this. Now I wonder if having enough leisure to look inwards is such a good thing. I know that one of my less gentle friends would tell me to stop contemplating my navel, get off my fat arse and do something useful and I'm beginning to wonder is she might not be right...